Monday, June 04, 2012
FORGIVE ME PLEASE
Crew is the light in my life. He is a blessing in so many ways and I am grateful to be his mom. I am grateful for the learning opportunities that come with being his mom and the growth I have experienced with all of it. With that being said I have to admit this time in my life is very LONELY. It feels like there is no one who understands it... the emotional, physical, and financial stress involved. We are constantly stressed to the max in our home. It takes all four of us to take care of his needs. The amount of time involved calming, feeding, therapy, toileting, entertaining... it is exhausting. Crew's doctor at Primary's is just as perplexed as we are. Currently he is taking medication to help him sleep and yet I am getting up at all hours of the night. Several times a week he wakes before 2 or 3 AM and is awake for the remainder of the day.
This loneliness or sense of isolation is hard to ignore and it takes everything I have to keep from getting bitter. Living in an area where people are generally service oriented and watching people dish out service left and right to each other all the while ignoring our existence. Well... that's how it feels anyways. I have uttered countless prayers asking for forgiveness for the negative thoughts that I have about it. I have fasted and I have gone to the temple hoping for some peace which has helped. I have made more of an effort to serve those around me and within my church. I'm trying to accept that we will just continue to go through this alone.
Despite my lack of sleep, I have manged to finish the training program for a marathon that I am registered to run on Saturday. It has been a rough go this time around. I've been battling several injuries over the past 6 months. Still... at this point wondering if my body will hold up for another 26.2 miles. Even considering getting a bone scan on my big toe which has been bothering me. *sigh*
So many of you are dealing with disabilities or illnesses which are more involved than what we have going on. To you, please forgive me. I apologize for being such a whiner. I have not posted for months due to this. It just isn't fair for me to complain when so many others are going through such difficulties. How do you do it? Do you have any suggestions for me to get over my loneliness?
A couple weeks ago in my church where I co-teach the 16-18 year old young women, it was brought out in a lesson the importance of journaling. It was suggested that it is good sometimes to write down the frustrations as well as the good things... for posterity sake. I hope in doing so I haven't just shot myself in the foot. If so, it will just be another hard lesson learned. LOL.