Monday, June 11, 2012

Grandpa's barn

 Grandpa has been working for years to clean up his farm.  This farm is not only where my 6 siblings and I grew up but also my dad and his 6 siblings.  This barn has a lot of memories but was becoming somewhat of a hazard.  My dad decided it was time for it to come down.  The local fire department was scheduled to come out on a Saturday morning and do a controlled burn.
 Because boys like trucks and fire, I knew this was something that would make Crew happy.  We were about 15 minutes late getting there so we missed getting a before picture.  Half of the barn went down before I could get out of the car.  Dad used a little diesel to speed things up..
The volunteers could see how happy this bright red truck made Crew so they were more than happy to let him sit in the front seat.  They turned on the siren which he LOVED.  I was actually considering asking our local fire department if Crew could ride with them for the 4th of  July parade until they honked the horn a few times and that did him in.  He really tried to be brave but the noise was a little to low on the bananagram for his liking.

As a child this barn housed over 1000 rabbits which I was responsible to feed daily.  A few years later when dad was done with the rabbit business it housed mama pigs and their babies.  Once again it was my job to feed and clean up the mess.  I will never forget the smell!

Goodbye old barn!

Monday, June 04, 2012


He looks ticked off in this picture but he is actually in a really good mood... jamming out to the music at his end of school BBQ.  Crew finished 1st grade and while we have been happy with the school for the most part, we are looking forward even more to next year.  I feel a change of teachers will be really good for him as we struggled with the teacher he had this year.  I could go on and on about our communication frustrations with his teacher and her lack of expertise in dealing with Special Ed but enough said already.  His teacher did not qualify him for ESY and she did not recommend that he attend the summer school program even though he did not pass his IEP goals and tested out at the level of a 13 month old.  The director suggested that I make a case about it but quite frankly I do not want to get all worked up over it so we are going to focus our time on therapy and getting stronger.

Crew is the light in my life.  He is a blessing in so many ways and I am grateful to be his mom.  I am grateful for the learning opportunities that come with being his mom and the growth I have experienced with all of it.  With that being said I have to admit this time in my life is very LONELY.  It feels like there is no one who understands it... the emotional, physical, and financial stress involved.  We are constantly stressed to the max in our home.  It takes all four of us to take care of his needs.  The amount of time involved calming, feeding, therapy, toileting, entertaining... it is exhausting.  Crew's doctor at Primary's is just as perplexed as we are.  Currently he is taking medication to help him sleep and yet I am getting up at all hours of the night.  Several times a week he wakes before 2 or 3 AM and is awake for the remainder of the day.

This loneliness or sense of isolation is hard to ignore and it takes everything I have to keep from getting bitter.  Living in an area where people are generally service oriented and watching people dish out service left and right to each other all the while ignoring our existence.  Well... that's how it feels anyways.  I have uttered countless prayers asking for forgiveness for the negative thoughts that I have about it.  I have fasted and I have gone to the temple hoping for some peace which has helped.  I have made more of an effort to serve those around me and within my church.  I'm trying to accept that we will just continue to go through this alone.

Despite my lack of sleep, I have manged to finish the training program for a marathon that I am registered to run on Saturday.  It has been a rough go this time around.  I've been battling several injuries over the past 6 months.  Still... at this point wondering if my body will hold up for another 26.2 miles.  Even considering getting a bone scan on my big toe which has been bothering me.  *sigh*

So many of you are dealing with disabilities or illnesses which are more involved than what we have going on.  To you, please forgive me.  I apologize for being such a whiner.  I have not posted for months due to this.  It just isn't fair for me to complain when so many others are going through such difficulties.  How do you do it?  Do you have any suggestions for me to get over my loneliness?

A couple weeks ago in my church where I co-teach the 16-18 year old young women, it was brought out in a lesson the importance of journaling.  It was suggested that it is good sometimes to write down the frustrations as well as the good things... for posterity sake.  I hope in doing so I haven't just shot myself in the foot.  If so, it will just be another hard lesson learned.  LOL.