Same as Before

So... I've been gone from blogging world for awhile! Yes, over a year!!! I think about all our little cyber friends often and hope all is well. Originally, I started blogging as a way to connect with other moms who are struggling with their little miracles. For many years it saved me... As I have watch the kids Crew's age who live locally progress and move on I am constantly reminded of how different our journey has been. But then to watch the micropreemies and other kids with challenges progress and surpass where we are it creates a different pang of discomfort. Why are we making such little progress? Is it something I've done wrong or not done well enough? How do I balance my time between 3 kids and still provide well enough for all of them.

Often times people will ask how Crew is doing. How do I answer that question? Sometimes I try to tell them that we are really struggling but is the truth really what they want to hear? Truth of the matter is... I've been gone for a year and quite honestly...we are the same as before. Struggling. Struggling to communicate, struggling to ambulate... and FRUSTRATED! The frustration isn't going to go away. I just need to learn how to manage it. We have seen multiple doctors, therapist, and tried many medications and it seems we are back to square one.

The last few months I have had numerous experiences that have caused me to reflect on where we are in this journey. It has been super hard. Knowing that this journey is a lifelong journey can be daunting but I am eternally grateful for the experiences I have had. I am not the same person I was eight years ago and I know that these experiences have molded me into a stronger person. I am also so grateful for the light that Crew brings into our home. He is a delightful little boy (when he is feeling well) and his contagious smile and infectious laughter is a blessing to our family. I know that our little family is together for a reason and all of us need each other. That may sound strange to some but it is what I know.

Hope to post some updates soon and get back into picture taking mode. Hugs to all!

More Gratitude

The past many days have been rough. Crew won't eat or sleep (and cries all day) and I've been filled with anxiety knowing I have a Relief Society lesson to give in less than a week. Even though I've been mulling it over in my mind for weeks, I still did not know for sure how to present it. Tonight, after putting Crew in bed, and while he was still screaming (because he wants me) I locked myself in my closet and said a prayer. "Dear Heavenly Father... if you really want me to do a good job with the lesson you've got to help me figure out how to magnify my calling as a mother and as a RS teacher.... Please please help me get Crew settled down and asleep.... I cannot focus unless the home is still."

Ironically, my lesson is on "Standing Fast Through the Storms of Life".

I know it sounds strange but I was able to FINALLY get him to sleep AND get a concrete outline of my talk in only 2 hours time. I'm grateful in so many ways...

Most importantly...

We had a busy fun weekend but I don't have the energy to post about it right now.

Today, I gave my RS lesson on "The Plan of Salvation". I studied it all month long. It's such a deep and broad subject and the sisters in our ward range from young 18-year old singles to the more seasoned grandmothers and such. I worry about how to teach knowing most sisters have more experiences and knowledge than I. I feel that my lack of confidence is actually a blessing because I know how important it is for me to prayerfully prepare and seek the spirit. I felt like the lesson went well and I received many compliments afterward. This calling is great for me because it forces me to study and ponder the gospel teachings in depth.

Here are some quotes from the lesson that I love and have caused me to ponder:

“ALL THE MINDS AND SPIRITS THAT GOD EVER SENT INTO THE WORLD ARE SUSCEPTIBLE OF ENLARGEMENT”.

“Satan cannot seduce us by his enticements unless we in our hearts consent and yield. Our organization is such that we can resist the devil; if we were not organized so, we would not be free agents.”

“I am dwelling on the immortality of the spirit of man. Is it logical to say that the intelligence of spirits is immortal, and yet that it has a beginning? The intelligence of spirits had no beginning, neither will it have an end. That is good logic. That which has a beginning may have an end. There never was a time when there were not spirits. …

I am so thankful for the Plan of Salvation. I honestly don't think I could face each day without the knowledge that I can be with my family for eternity and that our bodies will be restored to their perfect state. Truly, its the main thing that keeps me going!